9:30 Pm.
It's a fantastic piece of time in my el salvador. The town retires. I come to life. Usually having been in my house for an hour or two, i open my front door to a sleepy town that i have to myself. It has become a routine. I open my front door and look at the world. Where the street is usually alive with passengers it rests; where the palm tree sways in the morning breeze it slouches; where i sometimes feel overwhelmed i now feel, mellow.
I'm not alone. Dogs, having been inside most of the day, are let outside to "protect" the different houses. This one fucking dog, the motherfucker hates it when i floss my teeth. To him, it's sacreligious or something. I open my door and lean against my house, like james dean might, and, until i floss my teeth, it's completely ok with this dog. At the the moment i begin scrubbing he goes apeshit. God knows why.
Anyway. I like to brush my teeth in front of an audience. Sometimes, there's Ricardo. He's a twenty something that "guards" the school at night (he keeps the school walls from being a sanctuary for teenagers out to get shitfaced). I like him. And he likes to talk. He must have to be at the school sometime near 10pm becuase we frequently see eachother. It's understood: he runs down his list of loves lost, games won- i nod my head and spit. And listen.
(Excuse me while i retrieve a cold beer. yes, another CRAZY night in el salvador).
And there's the game.
It has happened every night for the past two weeks or so.
There's this kid, Rapha. I met him early on. I like him. He smiles well. Really. This kid smiles and i believe it.
Two weeks ago, there's this banging on the door. I have a thick door. Someone bangs on it and it sounds like "HOLY SHIT LET ME THE FUCK IN," or "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST GET THE FUCK OUT HERE." So, when, two weeks ago, Rapha pounds on my door i hop up out of my chair thinking "this is fucking IT," only to answer the door to nobody. Just a palm tree and a stray dog. Who am i gonna blame? I get over it and go back to whatever nothing i am doing.
The next day, the same thing happens...one minute, im looking at midgets and fire trucks on the internet and the next BANG BANG BANG i think im on a fucking "cops" episode or something, but i open the door and no one is fucking THERE!
But i realize, there has to be someone, someTHING. So i look around. And i see him. Hiding behind a light poll, Rapha's skinny ass, and wonderful grin. How can i be upset? If i was a native of this town and some white-ass kid lived here, wouldn't i pound on his door? Yes, I would.
He looks me in the eyes and reports the score, 1-1. You see, last night i opened the door and did not see him, could not see him. Tonight, he was more careless, and myself more aware, and i noticed him and evened the score, 1-1.
Since then, i've made the record 10-3. About the same time every night, there comes this urgent banging on my door. Whatever i am doing- sleeping, pissing, whatever- i rush to the door, throw it open, and search for Rapha. He's a smart kid, but he's playing against the fact that he passes my house at about the same time every night, and i've come to expect, anticipate, even enjoy and hope for his arrival.
Last night i asked him, "hey, what are you coming from that you pass my house every night at about this time?" The first time that he answere this question, i had to contain my emotion. "I have to see about a girl." His words.
____
Tomorrow (an hour away) i will go to San Miguel. San Miguel is a city about an hour away from here. I will go and participate in the largest "carnival" outside of Brazil. I'll write about it when i get home.
be well.
Me.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
the gusts of wind outside sound like surf landing on a beach.
at this moment, it's calm, but then arrives this urgent noise that when considered is only gone once again.
all i know is that i know SO very little, and dont deserve to ever...
today was great. summer school in her third day. in the morning, we played sports. the boys all went to the soccer field and played ball for the two hours. ours was a more difficult task. we had 20 girls, one basketball, one female police office who had never played basketball, and some white kid. all i could do was, was stand there, at least for the first few moments. for some reason, my life here caught up to me, and in that instant. all of a sudden, i was in el Salvador, trying to be, me, and i was surrounded by 11 year old girls and a middle-aged cop. so we made do. and had a great time. we formed two lines; one line took shots while the other rebounded. all i could do was watch. palm trees swayed, and little girls laughed and blushed at the gringo, and it all just hit me, how fucking unique is this? standing in el salvador, and looking on the brighter side, with the ocean in view, and in company of the optimistic.
shooting hoops got boring. obviously. so we played a few games. i was the ref. but i also played on a team, but i only scored once. we won, 4-2.
an hour later, im teaching english. the students are 10. there are 12 of them. they have the biggest eyes. and im such a unique sight, all they can do is watch me. we sing in english. i dance. we laugh our asses off. there's a kid with a black eye. i tell him life will be ok. he believes me.
and it's all so much. there are so many slow moments, but they're all so fucking filled with substance, i just dont know if i can take it.
and then i go home. and wind down. yes, there's a lot to digest, but tomorrow is another day in el salvador, and only a few hours away.
at this moment, it's calm, but then arrives this urgent noise that when considered is only gone once again.
all i know is that i know SO very little, and dont deserve to ever...
today was great. summer school in her third day. in the morning, we played sports. the boys all went to the soccer field and played ball for the two hours. ours was a more difficult task. we had 20 girls, one basketball, one female police office who had never played basketball, and some white kid. all i could do was, was stand there, at least for the first few moments. for some reason, my life here caught up to me, and in that instant. all of a sudden, i was in el Salvador, trying to be, me, and i was surrounded by 11 year old girls and a middle-aged cop. so we made do. and had a great time. we formed two lines; one line took shots while the other rebounded. all i could do was watch. palm trees swayed, and little girls laughed and blushed at the gringo, and it all just hit me, how fucking unique is this? standing in el salvador, and looking on the brighter side, with the ocean in view, and in company of the optimistic.
shooting hoops got boring. obviously. so we played a few games. i was the ref. but i also played on a team, but i only scored once. we won, 4-2.
an hour later, im teaching english. the students are 10. there are 12 of them. they have the biggest eyes. and im such a unique sight, all they can do is watch me. we sing in english. i dance. we laugh our asses off. there's a kid with a black eye. i tell him life will be ok. he believes me.
and it's all so much. there are so many slow moments, but they're all so fucking filled with substance, i just dont know if i can take it.
and then i go home. and wind down. yes, there's a lot to digest, but tomorrow is another day in el salvador, and only a few hours away.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
my day job
An uneventful day.
Like most.
I got up and drank coffee and looked at the news.
I then headed to another "town," only it's still part of the same jurisdiction.
Ten minute bus ride. I always enjoy the bus in the morning. Fewer people, no heat, a more lively ride. Yes, lively. A packed bus, in the afternoon heat, is much less animated.
Ok.
I get to the town about five minutes before the agreed upon time, which makes me about an hour early.
No matter. i watch kids and dogs and life fill the street outside the local school. im more unknown in this town, but recognized. little kids gaze at me. adults discreetly glance. i smile and wink. kids laugh. adults mostly smile, genuinely, and wish me a good day.
I am waiting for two different groups of people. One is the ADESCO. An ADESCO is some fucked up acronym for a local, civic development group. I have been working with this group since my arrival here six months ago. They represent the most intangible progress i have made as a volunteer. The ADESCO has roughly 100 members, but i work with the "board" of 7 leaders, called the "directiva." This community-formed group was created 15 months ago, but had not yet successfully obtained the legal documents and government recognition to be able to directly solicit aid from NGO's(domestic and international), government agencies, and whoever the fuck. Part of the problem was a breakdown in communication with the mayor's office. The other issue was, well, they were happy enough collecting a little money from the public and not developing projects. The other interest of this ADESCO, their primary reason for forming, was to manage the town's water. The water source is pumped in from a different jurisdiction, and has to be paid for. My mayor's office in my town, which also has to govern the surrounding towns and unfortunately neglects them, could not handle this task. Thus, the ADESCO was formed. After nearly a year, the group was not just content to manage the water system. They wanted to legalize themselves and solicit MONEY and HELP. That's when i showed up, having been trained how to help ADESCOs. We quickly told the mayor's office to get their shit together, and within four months of my arrival we were published in a government index as a legal ADESCO.
Since then, we've been slowly working with a few different organizations to address the most pressing issue this town faces: there not enough water, and what is available is contaminated with high levels of fluoride.......
.....a week later. we have met with a local NGO, a Spanish NGO with an office here, and we've established a relationship that im hoping leads to something. but that's all i want to say about that. a little glance into the "work" that im doing here. "to be continued."
Like most.
I got up and drank coffee and looked at the news.
I then headed to another "town," only it's still part of the same jurisdiction.
Ten minute bus ride. I always enjoy the bus in the morning. Fewer people, no heat, a more lively ride. Yes, lively. A packed bus, in the afternoon heat, is much less animated.
Ok.
I get to the town about five minutes before the agreed upon time, which makes me about an hour early.
No matter. i watch kids and dogs and life fill the street outside the local school. im more unknown in this town, but recognized. little kids gaze at me. adults discreetly glance. i smile and wink. kids laugh. adults mostly smile, genuinely, and wish me a good day.
I am waiting for two different groups of people. One is the ADESCO. An ADESCO is some fucked up acronym for a local, civic development group. I have been working with this group since my arrival here six months ago. They represent the most intangible progress i have made as a volunteer. The ADESCO has roughly 100 members, but i work with the "board" of 7 leaders, called the "directiva." This community-formed group was created 15 months ago, but had not yet successfully obtained the legal documents and government recognition to be able to directly solicit aid from NGO's(domestic and international), government agencies, and whoever the fuck. Part of the problem was a breakdown in communication with the mayor's office. The other issue was, well, they were happy enough collecting a little money from the public and not developing projects. The other interest of this ADESCO, their primary reason for forming, was to manage the town's water. The water source is pumped in from a different jurisdiction, and has to be paid for. My mayor's office in my town, which also has to govern the surrounding towns and unfortunately neglects them, could not handle this task. Thus, the ADESCO was formed. After nearly a year, the group was not just content to manage the water system. They wanted to legalize themselves and solicit MONEY and HELP. That's when i showed up, having been trained how to help ADESCOs. We quickly told the mayor's office to get their shit together, and within four months of my arrival we were published in a government index as a legal ADESCO.
Since then, we've been slowly working with a few different organizations to address the most pressing issue this town faces: there not enough water, and what is available is contaminated with high levels of fluoride.......
.....a week later. we have met with a local NGO, a Spanish NGO with an office here, and we've established a relationship that im hoping leads to something. but that's all i want to say about that. a little glance into the "work" that im doing here. "to be continued."
Sunday, November 9, 2008
one more thing
i wanted to congratulate america on her new chapter, on her election of a brilliant man to the presidency.
i just had lunch with my surrogate family in celebration of the election. we had a whiskey- a jack daniel's actually- and a wonderful beef stew. we talked politics, and everything else, like we usually do. this, the closure of the campaign and the beginning of a new chapter, had particular significance, and was very fine. after lunch, we sat in the sun on the balcony. summer has set in here; it's dry and warm and beautiful. and before the sleepiness of a sunday afternoon sets in, i write to you right now, to anyone reading this, to wish you a happy day.
i just had lunch with my surrogate family in celebration of the election. we had a whiskey- a jack daniel's actually- and a wonderful beef stew. we talked politics, and everything else, like we usually do. this, the closure of the campaign and the beginning of a new chapter, had particular significance, and was very fine. after lunch, we sat in the sun on the balcony. summer has set in here; it's dry and warm and beautiful. and before the sleepiness of a sunday afternoon sets in, i write to you right now, to anyone reading this, to wish you a happy day.
just be ok, everyday
we all have our own standard operating procedures. one reason i came to el salvador, selfishly, was that i was unhappy, dissatisfied, with my SOP. actually, it started well before my journey here. i can remember being unsatisfied with something undefined and intangible as early as high school, so much so that i left the country- at 17!- to seek out, to seek up.
after six months here in el salvador, not only was i still dissatisfied, i was even more so than when i showed up. since my over thought at anything is already debilitating, this really upset me.
then i had a conversation with madeline, and she said something so simple and resounding, that i had to sit down to really absorb it.
she told me, "billy, its ok to JUST be a descent human being."
and so, for the first time in a long time, i fought back the restlessness and loneliness that accompanies anyone that leaves the familiar for the unknowing solitude that is this experience, and told myself that, yes, i am a descent person, and that is enough.
but how can that be? now is the time decency alone will do nothing, right? wrong. human decency, as a foundation and basis for our thoughts, considerations and actions, must please a cathartic wish to help others, and therefore must help ourselves!
so, friends, i decide, here and now, to resolve to be a descent human being. may it grant me the standard operating procedure, the way of being, that finally allows me to find myself, that in turn grants me the possibility of being a successful peace corps volunteer.
after six months here in el salvador, not only was i still dissatisfied, i was even more so than when i showed up. since my over thought at anything is already debilitating, this really upset me.
then i had a conversation with madeline, and she said something so simple and resounding, that i had to sit down to really absorb it.
she told me, "billy, its ok to JUST be a descent human being."
and so, for the first time in a long time, i fought back the restlessness and loneliness that accompanies anyone that leaves the familiar for the unknowing solitude that is this experience, and told myself that, yes, i am a descent person, and that is enough.
but how can that be? now is the time decency alone will do nothing, right? wrong. human decency, as a foundation and basis for our thoughts, considerations and actions, must please a cathartic wish to help others, and therefore must help ourselves!
so, friends, i decide, here and now, to resolve to be a descent human being. may it grant me the standard operating procedure, the way of being, that finally allows me to find myself, that in turn grants me the possibility of being a successful peace corps volunteer.
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