just be ok, everyday

we all have our own standard operating procedures. one reason i came to el salvador, selfishly, was that i was unhappy, dissatisfied, with my SOP. actually, it started well before my journey here. i can remember being unsatisfied with something undefined and intangible as early as high school, so much so that i left the country- at 17!- to seek out, to seek up.
after six months here in el salvador, not only was i still dissatisfied, i was even more so than when i showed up. since my over thought at anything is already debilitating, this really upset me.
then i had a conversation with madeline, and she said something so simple and resounding, that i had to sit down to really absorb it.
she told me, "billy, its ok to JUST be a descent human being."
and so, for the first time in a long time, i fought back the restlessness and loneliness that accompanies anyone that leaves the familiar for the unknowing solitude that is this experience, and told myself that, yes, i am a descent person, and that is enough.
but how can that be? now is the time decency alone will do nothing, right? wrong. human decency, as a foundation and basis for our thoughts, considerations and actions, must please a cathartic wish to help others, and therefore must help ourselves!
so, friends, i decide, here and now, to resolve to be a descent human being. may it grant me the standard operating procedure, the way of being, that finally allows me to find myself, that in turn grants me the possibility of being a successful peace corps volunteer.